Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Dear diary...

...Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I’m on my period. He calls it "bloody victory."

...Today, I asked my boyfriend if there’s a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out."

...Today, I decided to buy a sex toy. The man in the store automatically recognized my last name off my credit card and told me how my mother is his biggest customer. He even went on to tell me of "other" things my mother loves.

...Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking.

...Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project… while we were having sex.

...Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they’re a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won’t fit, and have little brown streaks.

...Today, the hooker I have been seeing regularly for almost a year texted me to say she thinks we should no longer see each other again. I just got dumped by a hooker.

...Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he fell asleep right between my legs. The worst part was I only noticed when he started snoring.

...Today, my boyfriend confessed that he felt so insecure he submerged my $80 vibrator in water to eliminate the competition.

...Today, I was at a urinal, relieving myself. My boss came in and went to the urinal beside me. Seconds later, he looked over and said "Hey! We’re dick twins!"

...Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said "I want to be better than your vibrator!"

...Today, while our newborn baby slept, my boyfriend wanted to be intimate. Since I haven’t healed yet we can’t have sex, so I gave him a hand job. As he was returning the favor he fell asleep with his hand in my pants.

...Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn’t so painful. I haven’t been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go f*ck myself.

...Today, my boyfriend asked how I could go to the bathroom and leave my tampon in at the same time. He didn’t realize there are two separate holes. He’s 28.

...Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers.

...Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom."