Candycam: Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children

Toys are carefully planned investments that companies spend countless hours developing in the hopes that children will use them to foster memories that they'll cherish for a lifetime.
But sometimes, they just end up looking like dongs.

Punisher Shape Shifters Crotch Rocket

The hero in action: the video is also disturbing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EljaGpogiws

Fr-ooze Pop

So, for the second time we have to ask if the people designing products for children are just amazingly naive, or if they're a bunch of giggling stoners seeing what they can get past the marketing team. The Fr-ooze Pop is shaped like a dildo. Fine, you can say that about a lot of food. But if you lick the Fr-ooze Pop enough, a gooey substance squirts into your mouth.

Batman Water GunWe really don't see anything sexual about this. So what if you pull a plug out of Batman's rectum to fill it with water and then give him a reach around which makes him shoot water out of his mouth? Who didn't do that on the playground at least once? The Oozinator

Ah, that doesn't look too bad. Some kind of squirt gun, right? Well, here's a picture of what it looks like to be shot by The Oozinator...

Trust us, it's much worse in motion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdAIt4MgnHc&feature=player_embedded

Hang Your Child's Coat on a Bear Erection

Asian society is extremely wang-centric and 3M decided to tap into this market with colorful coat hooks for kids. There's a bear, a cat and a frog. OK, not a big deal until you notice the top left corner of the packaging, where the clearly-aroused bear is saying, "Hug me."

"I'm Mr. Bucket, Balls Pop Out of My Mouth"

You can't blame the toy designers for this one. But somewhere, a disgruntled former jingle writer is still laughing about the time he was having a shitty day at work and just to be an ass he wrote this jingle:

I'm Mr. Bucket, toss your balls in my top

I'm Mr. Bucket, out of my mouth they will pop

I'm Mr. Bucket, we're all gonna run

I'm Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!

I'm Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of my mouth

I'm Mr. Bucket, a ball is what I'm about

I'm Mr. Bucket, we're all gonna run

I'm Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!

Wolverine Squeaky Hammer

We realize a whole bunch of you have already seen the above image, stripped of all context (we bet at least one of you has it as your avatar on a message board somewhere). But where did it come from? It's got to be a one-time production mistake, or an intentional joke, or at least some cheap knockoff toy sold on the streets of Beijing, right?

Nope, it's an officially licensed Marvel toy (an inflatable hammer, you're looking at one end of it) and they all looked like that. There's video proof: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnfuZK2XaTI&feature=player_embedded

Rad Repeatin' Tarzan

There's absolutely nothing wrong with this doll, as long as it's not in motion. Sure, maybe a crude teenage boy could say that his right hand is sort of positioned like it's holding an invisible boner. But when you activate the little lever on Tarzan's back, that's when the magic happens: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1zRaPOzclI&feature=player_embedded

If you can't watch video on your computer, let's just say that he starts vigorously jerking off while wailing loudly. There's no mistaking what he's doing. They implanted a mechanism that really can only do that. Mattel changed the doll after approximately 100 percent of the boys who picked up the toy started making Tarzan jerk off within about 10 seconds. Why, what noise does he make when he masturbates?

Rafiki on Simba Sodomy Figurine

In the movie The Lion King, Rafiki is the wise baboon who acts as a sort of spiritual advisor to the protagonist Simba. That setting is recreated lovingly in this toy, or it would be if the positioning of the baby Simba and the motion of the Rafiki figure didn't turn it into a gut-wrenching display of child molestation in the Animal Kingdom.

Now watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Au4tlMRI1eg&feature=player_embedded

Dora "Totally Not a Dildo, Guys" Aquapet

Honestly? Is it us? Maybe there's some other angle where it doesn't look 100 percent like a sex toy, but if so, why didn't they photograph it from that angle?

All Aboard the Dick Slide

This giant inflatable "clearly a dong" slide turns up all over the Internet, but no one seems to know where it's from ("Europe" is as close as anyone has come to nailing it down).